Here’s something I don’t get. What’s all the fuss about lobster rolls? People argue endlessly about how to make the perfect lobster roll and which restaurants serve the perfect lobster roll and what’s the essence of the perfect lobster roll, and I just don’t get it.

I understand the fuss about making the perfect pizza, or clam chowder, or brownie. Those are all dishes that have significant variation, and take practice and experimentation to get just right. There’s even bona fide disagreement among reasonable people about just what the perfect pizza, or clam chowder, or brownie tastes like. But we all agree on the perfect lobster roll and any bonehead can make one.

Here’s how you do it. Take lobster meat, roughly chopped. Add a small amount of finely chopped onion, maybe with a little celery or parsley. Maybe not. Add just enough mayo to get it to hold together. Serve it on a toasted, buttered roll—brioche if you can get it—potato or hot dog if you can’t.

That’s it.

The key to a lobster roll is letting it taste as much like lobster as possible. That means that you just don’t do much to it. Muck around with it, and you invariably make it worse. Thomas Keller can sous vide til the cows come home and he just can’t improve on it.

There is only one thing that can make the boneheaded perfect lobster roll taste better, and that is catching your own lobster.